I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
