I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
