She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
