the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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