please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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