Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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