I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The uberlube is also flammable
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
