I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
