Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
