Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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