i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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