I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
