his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
