I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
