She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
