Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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