i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
