i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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