i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
