I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Randomize
