ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
