im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
