Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Randomize
