I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
two words...techno handjob
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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