ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
