Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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