The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
