She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
