Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
