I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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