Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
