Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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