Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
