I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
