Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
