Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
