no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
That accounts for only three of the penises
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
