Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
