I just saw a hot homeless man
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I looked at my own cervix.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
