What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
