after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
