I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
