Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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