i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
