dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
