I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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