Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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