We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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