Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
