New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
