i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
