I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
